Monday, July 21, 2008

a hard day

Today is a very hard day for me. I had to drop Emma off at the social worker's office for her new family to pick her up. Even though we knew it was coming for a while now and even though I had been working on owning the pain and sadness leading up to today, it is still incredibly painful.

Emma has been such an amazing gift from God. Her departure leaves a void in my heart. I have been telling her how much she is loved and how she will be prayed for every day and now I have to trust her to God's care and keeping.

Strangely I don't feel pissed at God. I guess I have learned to not always try to figure out they "why" in everything that happens

But part of me wishes so much that God's care and keeping would have left her here. My heart is broken and my eyes are filled with tears. Letting go is such hard work.

.

32 comments:

KathyK said...

Oh Robert! I didn't think this day was coming so soon! That little precious gift from God will be missed by all of us. Hugs to you and Emmanuel for giving her such a wonderful first 4 1/2 months!! Kathy

Robert said...

Thanks so much Kathy. We didn't think it was going to be coming this fast as well. I appreciate your hugs.

FranIAm said...

Robert - you know I have been praying for you, Emmanuel and Emma.

It is very hard indeed.

You are sent much love, many prayers and all good wishes.

Robert said...

Fran, your prayers, love and support are greatly appreciated!

Tandaina- said...

Prayers for peace.

eileen said...

Here Via MadPriest and FranIAm...

I'm an adoptive mom...I lived with the fear of my son being whisked away..I know that fear, but not that pain...

My prayers for all of you, and trust in God's wisdom in this matter - cold comfort at the moment, I know.

Anonymous said...

You have been a blessing to that child. Hugs from afar.
NancyP

Robert said...

Dear Tandaina, Eileen, and NancyP,

Thanks for your sharing and your comments. It is wonderful to have the support of so many caring and concerned people.

Tandaina and Eileen, I like your blogs and have added them to my reading list. Thank you for dropping by here so I could find you.

Blessing to you all.

Doorman-Priest said...

I feel for you too.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Robert, I offer my love and prayers for all, you and your partner, Emma and her new adoptive parents. May God bless and heal all of you.

--sheila-- said...

Prayers from Seattle via MP as well.

Robert, Emmanuel and you will always be a part of her, just as she will always be part of you. God give you strength and solace through this hard, hard time.

Saintly Ramblings said...

Here via Mad Priest - I can only imagine the sense of loss and empathise through my own recent change of circumstances. My prayers for you all as each of you adjusts to a new life.

Bluebird said...

Prayers, love and hugs coming from here.

Two Auntees said...

Robert, I am so sorry. I know you and Emmanuel are missing Emma terribly. I know that your contributions will always have a positive impact on her life. Prayers for everyone involved.

Anonymous said...

grew up in a homosexual household during the 60s and 70s in Toronto, exposed to many different people in GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, bisexual, Transsexual) subcultures, and explicit sexual practices. I am currently writing a book, soon to be published, on this experience. As well, I was a witness at the Standing Senate Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs on Bill C-250 (hate crimes), and I have presented at the local school board.

My biggest concern is that children are not being discussed in this same-sex marriage debate. Yet, won't the next step for some gay activists be to ask for legal adoption of children if same-sex marriage is legalized? I have considered some of the potential physical and psychological health risks for children raised in this situation. I was at high risk of exposure to contagious STDs due to sexual molestation, my father's high-risk sexual behaviors, and multiple partners. Even when my father was in what looked like monogamous relationships, he continued cruising for anonymous sex.

I came to deeply care for, love and compassionately understand my dad. He shared his life regrets with me. Unfortunately, my father, as a child, was sexually and physically abused by older males. Due to this, he lived with depression, control issues, anger outbursts, suicidal tendencies, and sexual compulsions. He tried to fulfill his legitimate needs for his father's affirmation, affection and attention with transient and promiscuous relationships. He and his partners were exposed to various contagious STD's as they traveled across North America. My father's (ex)partners, whom I had deep caring feelings for and associated with, had drastically shortened lives due to suicide, contracting HIV or Aids. Sadly, my father died of AIDS in 1991.

Are my childhood experiences unique? According to a growing number of personal testimonies, experts, and organizations, there is mounting evidence of strong commonalities to my personal experiences. Not only do children do best with both a mother and a father in a lifelong marriage bond, children need responsible monogamous parents who have no extramarital sexual partners.

Robert said...

Thank you everyone for your words, thoughts and prayers. My heard has been uplifted by your caring presence.

Robert said...

Anonymous, you comments are amazingly rude and unthoughtful and uncaring considering this blog entry. Sadly your comments are also extremely uneducated and uninformed and reflect the typical homophobic attitudes about same sex couples and have no bearing on what statistics tell us about those who do abuse children, which are overwhelmingly heterosexuals, not homosexuals. Based on the studies, I would argue that only gays should be allowed to adopt and children would be much safer (OK, I won't really argue that but it is as ridiculous as your statements). May God forgive you for your unchristian assumptions.

Catherine said...

MP's good deed for the day was to let us pray for you. My heart breaks for you. Opening your home and hearts to a child knowing it will be for a short period of time is such a blessing. All of you will be on my lips and in my heart.

Alcibiades said...

Prayers for you and Emmanuel from this end of the world. You're all very much in our thoughts.
God Bless you both

Anonymous said...

Proponents of same-sex marriage believe the only thing children really need is love. Based on that supposition, they conclude it’s just as good for children to be raised by loving parents of the same sex, as it is to be raised by loving parents of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, that basic assumption—and all that flows from it—is false. Because love isn’t enough!

All else being equal, children do best when raised by a married mother and father. It’s within this environment that children are most likely to be exposed to the emotional and psychological experiences they need in order to thrive.

Men and women bring diversity to parenting; each makes unique contributions to the rearing of children that can’t be replicated by the other. Mothers and fathers simply are not interchangeable. Two women can both be good mothers, but neither can be a good father.

So here are five reasons why it’s in the best interest of children to be raised by both a mother and a father:

First, mother-love and father-love—though equally important—are qualitatively different and produce distinct parent-child attachments. Specifically, it’s the combination of the unconditional-leaning love of a mother and the conditional-leaning love of a father that’s essential to a child’s development. Either of these forms of love without the other can be problematic. Because what a child needs is the complementary balance the two types of parental love and attachment provide.

Only heterosexual parents offer children the opportunity to develop relationships with a parent of the same, as well as the opposite sex. Relationships with both sexes early in life make it easier for a child to relate to both sexes later in life. For a girl, that means she’ll better understand and appropriately interact with the world of men and be more comfortable in the world of women. And for a boy, the converse will hold true. Having a relationship with “the other”—an opposite sexed parent—also increases the likelihood that a child will be more empathetic and less narcissistic.

Secondly, children progress through predictable and necessary developmental stages. Some stages require more from a mother, while others require more from a father. For example, during infancy, babies of both sexes tend to do better in the care of their mother. Mothers are more attuned to the subtle needs of their infants and thus are more appropriately responsive. However, at some point, if a young boy is to become a competent man, he must detach from his mother and instead identify with his father. A fatherless boy doesn’t have a man with whom to identify and is more likely to have trouble forming a healthy masculine identity.

A father teaches a boy how to properly channel his aggressive and sexual drives. A mother can’t show a son how to control his impulses because she’s not a man and doesn’t have the same urges as one. A father also commands a form of respect from a boy that a mother doesn’t––a respect more likely to keep the boy in line. And those are the two primary reasons why boys without fathers are more likely to become delinquent and end up incarcerated.

Father-need is also built into the psyche of girls. There are times in a girl’s life when only a father will do. For instance, a father offers a daughter a safe, non-sexual place to experience her first male-female relationship and have her femininity affirmed. When a girl doesn’t have a father to fill that role she’s more likely to become promiscuous in a misguided attempt to satisfy her inborn hunger for male attention and validation.

Overall, fathers play a restraining role in the lives of their children. They restrain sons from acting out antisocially, and daughters from acting out sexually. When there’s no father to perform this function, dire consequences often result both for the fatherless children and for the society in which these children act out their losses.

Third, boys and girls need an opposite-sexed parent to help them moderate their own gender-linked inclinations. As example, boys generally embrace reason over emotion, rules over relationships, risk-taking over caution, and standards over compassion, while girls generally embrace the reverse. An opposite-sexed parent helps a child keep his or her own natural proclivities in check by teaching—verbally and nonverbally—the worth of the opposing tendencies. That teaching not only facilitates moderation, but it also expands the child’s world—helping the child see beyond his or her own limited vantage point.

Fourth, same-sex marriage will increase sexual confusion and sexual experimentation by young people. The implicit and explicit message of same-sex marriage is that all choices are equally acceptable and desirable. So, even children from traditional homes—influenced by the all-sexual-options-are-equal message—will grow up thinking it doesn’t matter whom one relates to sexually or marries. Holding such a belief will lead some—if not many—impressionable young people to consider sexual and marital arrangements they never would have contemplated previously. And children from homosexual families, who are already more likely to experiment sexually, would do so to an even greater extent, because not only was non-traditional sexuality role-modeled by their parents, it was also approved by their society.

There is no question that human sexuality is pliant. Think of ancient Greece or Rome—among many other early civilizations—where male homosexuality and bisexuality were nearly ubiquitous. This was not so because most of those men were born with a “gay gene,” rather it was because homosexuality was condoned by those societies. That which a society sanctions, it gets more of.

And fifth, if society permits same-sex marriage, it also will have to allow other types of marriage. The legal logic is simple: If prohibiting same-sex marriage is discriminatory, then disallowing polygamous marriage, polyamorous marriage, or any other marital grouping will also be deemed discriminatory. The emotional and psychological ramifications of these assorted arrangements on the developing psyches and sexuality of children would be disastrous. And what happens to the children of these alternative marriages if the union dissolves and each parent then “remarries”? Those children could end up with four fathers, or two fathers and four mothers, or, you fill in the blank.

Certainly homosexual couples can be just as loving as heterosexual couples, but children require more than love. They need the distinctive qualities and the complementary natures of a male and female parent.

The accumulated wisdom of over 5,000 years has concluded that the ideal marital and parental configuration is composed of one man and one woman. Arrogantly disregarding such time-tested wisdom, and using children as guinea pigs in a radical experiment, is risky at best, and cataclysmic at worst.

Same-sex marriage definitely isn’t in the best interest of children. And although we empathize with those homosexuals who long to be married and parent children, we mustn’t allow our compassion for them to trump our compassion for children. In a contest between the desires of some homosexuals and the needs of all children, we can’t allow the children to lose.

Two Auntees said...

Anonymous Said description of his 5 rules for not condoning same-sex marriages are lengthy, and because I do not have enough time or education to even try to rebut his arguments. I have been told not to argue with people unwilling to listen to anything else.
But it seems to be that his 5 arguments could be applied to all those caring single parents who are struggling to raise their children. Single fathers with daughters can rise responsible, straight young adults. Single mothers raising sons responsibly. Anonymous' reasons suggest that we rip these children out of happy, caring, loving homes; just for his reason that the 'family' doesn't have two parents.
Sarcasm they say is a poor teaching tool and only angers the 'pigs'.
To all those unique 'families' everywhere g-d bless you and keep you safe.

Anonymous said...

The diversity troops want to force educators, students, and parents to pretend that there is no difference between a family consisting of a husband and wife and their children, and other arrangements such as a family shattered by death or divorce, the situation of a single parent, or same-sex couples who have acquired children by artificial reproduction or adoption.

There are, in reality, huge differences. Separation from one’s biological father and/or mother in childhood is always a tragedy. Everyone understands that the death of a parent is a blow to a child. Adults who lost a parent in childhood remember that event as changing them in profound ways. Likewise, the fracturing of a family by divorce negatively affects the children no matter how hard the parents may try to soften the blow -- one only has to read the books of Judith Wallerstein to see the long-term effects. Again, conception of a child outside of marriage leaves the child with tenuous or no ties to the father and children rightly feel the loss. Adoption by a married couple can provide marvelous benefits and much love, but the wound remains. Adopted children often feel a need to find their birth mother and father. And yet, as difficult as death, divorce, single parenthood or adoption are, in most cases children can consol themselves with the belief that at least one parent tried to avoid the tragedy – that someone was willing to put their needs first.

The situation is quite otherwise with children acquired by same-sex couples; they have by definition been made permanently and purposefully fatherless or motherless. The adults who did this expect to be applauded for their courage. They want the world to pretend that this is just “diversity” when in fact they have deprived their own children -- children they love and who love them --with something essential: a parent of the opposite sex. These parents are deeply offended when the school treats images of father/mother families as the norm. They think that if the school promotes “diversity” of family forms their children won’t notice they don’t have a parent of each sex. They are fooling themselves. The children know, but they also know they can’t mention it. Unlike the child whose parent dies, divorces, or never marries, these children are deprived not only of a parent, but also of the right to grieve their deprivation. They must pretend. The promoters of “diversity” are demanding that we join in the pretence – that we also betray these children.

Despite all assertions and pretenses to the contrary, a family consisting of a husband and wife with their children is the norm, and study after study has shown that it is the best place to raise a child.

Grandmère Mimi said...

Anon, if I had time, I'd tell you the horror story of my intact family, mother, father, and three daughters all together under one roof, but ugly, really ugly. As a child, I'd have welcomed two loving fathers or two loving mothers as parents in a heartbeat.

You should start your own blog and let everyone know who you are, since you have so much to say.

Robert said...

A family consisting of a father and a mother and children is hardly the norm and I would love to see some of your studies claiming to prove this better. Most of your post are based on claims, not facts.

And I would certainly claim the homosexuality is an equally valid option.

And where is your proof that children of homosexuals are more likely to sexually experiment that children of straight parents. That comes straight from your wild imagination I suspect.

Anonymous said...

http://dawnstefanowicz.com/pdfs/RevuOfStudiesAssessSxPrefChildHomosx..pdf

Robert said...

That is hardly a scholarly analysis, nor does it even appear to have been published in any reputable journal where it would have been peer reviewed. You need to do better than post links to unscholarly trash like that.

Lisa Fox said...

I am so very sad for you, Robert. I'm telling God to give you big, big hugs!

Lisa Fox said...

I am so very sad for you, Robert. I'm telling God to give you big, big hugs!

FranIAm said...

I grew up in an allegedly normal home and was - well it wasn't pretty, sexually, emotionally, physically.

Anonymous said...

No one can account for the various individual nutcases out there, abusing their families and so on. The best we can do is see the broad patterns. One is very simply that mothers have a particular value that can't be replaced by any number of guys who imagine that gender makes no difference. Thank God for those who had motherless or fatherless families and got through it well, but fatherlessness is the biggest single social problem there is -- the one that correlates the most closely with all the other social problems, and it's because fathers have particular characteristics. Heather with her two Mommies is at serious risk.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Robert said...

Because Anonymous will not give it up I'm going to be deleting all his or her future posts if she or he can't get off this soapbox